Just because I’m a funny speaker in the motivational speaking industry, doesn’t mean I can’t fail at New Years resolutions like everybody else.
I’ve always thought resolutions were something that went in one year and out the other. They’re soft goals that seldom get met because they just fizzle out over time. And the bigger deal you make out of them, the bigger disappointment you will become to yourself and others when they fizzle. And they will. It’s just hard to set a goal and do it FOR A YEAR! So my resolution as a funny speaker is to make more doable resolutions. Here they are.
I resolve to not get frustrated when I hit a yellow light. I’ll just leave the house one-half a light sooner.
I resolve to pay more attention when channel surfing. I accidentally stopped on “Real Housewives of New York City” the other day and caught my first glimpse of living brain transplant donors. And this is their sixth season????
I resolve to stop being such a tightwad by buying single-ply toilet paper. What was I thinking? It actually should be against the law to sell such stuff. Totally ineffective. I’ll spare you the grossness of this discussion, but if you’re thinking of trying to save a few cents, don’t do it at the expense of your behind.
I resolve to stop trying to pick up that little piece of persistent lint with the vacuum sweeper. I know you do this too. That little thing that is somehow intertwined into the carpet and instead of bending over and picking it up, you go over and over and over it with the sweeper. First this way, then that way, then back the first way again. Take a deep breath, stretch your hamstrings out, bend over, and pick the dang thing up.
I resolve to stop making fun of the “SLOW MEN WORKING” sign at road construction sites. It was one of the first jokes I ever heard and I’ve never been able to get it out of my head. If they wanted us to not make fun of it, they should’ve put a comma after “SLOW”. Same with “FOR RESTROOM USE ESCALATOR”. How about a little punctuation people!
I resolve to stop pounding keys and buttons when something’s not working or not going fast enough. This applies to any remote control, touch screen, or keyboard. I can’t seem to help myself. Even when I approach an elevator and people are waiting and the “UP” button light is already on, I’m still compelled to hit that button again. Do I have magic fingers?
I resolve to accept the fact that women are incessant bed makers. Recently, I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and when I got back, my wife (who is nocturnal) had made the bed. Men believe that if you’re going to be back within 24 hours, what’s the point?
I resolve to stop lying on the phone when somebody asks, “did I wake you?” Here’s the truth: I was sleeping. I’m gettin’ old. I take naps. Sometimes I take a nap before I go to bed.
I resolve to continue my efforts to fight for a sarcasm font. It would make writing this blog a whole lot easier.
MARK MAYFIELD…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message