A Funny Speaker Poses a Serious Question

This funny speaker wants to know a worldly question:  whatever happened to handles?

I thought they were a timeless invention.

I’m talking about the handles that adorn bathroom fixtures in public places. 

Like many of us, I struggle with technology.  Maybe more than most.  On my first computer purchase I asked the clerk if the mouse pad I had chosen was compatible with the computer I was buying.  She brought the entire Geek squad over and had me ask the question again in front of them.  It made their day. 

A funny speaker looks at handles Funny Speaker A Funny Speaker Poses a Serious Question handles

Handles and the Funny Speaker

I am getting better and I am trying to embrace new technology, but I just don’t think that we need to change the handle thing.  It works just fine.  A handle is one thing that everyone knows how to use and one thing you can generally count on in life.  You don’t need to be a NASA engineer to operate it.  Simple.  Easy.  Effective.

But apparently the bathroom kingpins decided that faucets had to go “high tech” and handles everywhere are being replaced by sensors that know when you want some water, at least that’s the concept.  I’ve been seeing and using these gadgets for years and let me give you my unbiased opinion:  This technology is not ready yet.

I can never get those stupid things to work.  Although in all honesty, I don’t really know how they work.  Do they sense me standing in front of them?  Is it my hands being close to the sensor?  Is it the motion of my hands waving in front of the sensor pad?  Is it a laser wielding Gremlin in the ceiling?  I don’t have a clue.

All I know is I’m doing the “Hand Jive” in front of the thing.  I see a guy recording my antics on his camera phone.  Looks like I’ll be doing a YouTube search soon.  Nice.  And I can’t skip the water because I’ve got lots of soap on my hands.  There’s no sensor on the soap dispenser.  It works just fine.  We should learn something there.  And now I’ve got a line forming behind me.  I can feel the people staring at my back.  Pressure.  I never operate well under pressure in the bathroom, if you know what I mean.  Should I move to another sink?  I’ve invested time in this fixture but should I leave and try another?  I saw a guy use the one on the end, so I head there and the faucet I have just abandoned now starts.  Are you serious!  The dude that was behind me thinks he’s done it.  He’s struttin’ around like a mister wizard smarty pants while I get no credit for his good fortune.  Finally, after several attempts I accidentally get under a faucet with water.  For the record, the guy I shoved out of the way was just fine, and so was his seeing eye dog.

But it ain’t over, because this place also has sensor driven hand dryers.  Are you kidding me?  Now I’m all about saving trees, but I’m betting we’re burning more up with those annoying little devices than we are by using a few rolls of hand towels (that could be recycled).  And I don’t buy the additional reasoning for hand dryers:  It prevents disease and prevents chapping.  Really?  What disease?  I apparently missed the Bounty Plague of ’87.  And I ain’t buying the “prevents chapping” theory.  I chapped my lips before and how did that happen?  I got them wet and stood in the wind.  Hmmm.

Enough of this babble, I gotta go figure out my new hands free, voice activated, blue tooth, ear piece device for my phone. 

I hope it’s got a handle.

Mark Mayfield, A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message


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