A Vegan meets a Funny Speaker

Vegan and the Funny Speaker funny speaker A Vegan meets a Funny Speaker Vegan

A Vegan meets a Funny Speaker

What happens when a Vegan meets a Funny Speaker with an agriculture background?  Sarcasm.

We are a nation of different opinions and that is healthy.  There’s an old saying that goes, “if two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary”.  I respect an opposing view, I just want my opponent to respect mine.

Such was not the case with my last encounter with a vegetarian.  Let me emphatically state that I have nothing against vegetarians.  Some of my best friends are vegetarians.  I admire their perseverance and their steadfast belief.  Because as you know, a vegetarian will not eat anything that comes from or is derived from…flavor.  That takes real commitment.  And I repeat, I LOVE vegetarians!  It means more steak for me.  I’m selfish that way.

She sat next to me on the plane.  And she had the attitude that she was far superior and far more intelligent than anyone who was a carnivore.  Her name was Connie, which I think was an abbreviated nickname for “condescending”.  Let’s just say we had a conversation.  I’m sure when she started the dialogue she didn’t know she was talking to a funny speaker who is also a “steak and taters” farm kid who’s been involved in agriculture his entire life and who speaks fluent sarcasm.  She later found those two things out.  Here’s the recap, and remember…she started it.

I had an inkling she was a vegetarian because she was eating from a baggie filled with sticks and twigs.  I was preparing to eat as well.  I had raced to make my flight and had grabbed a meal from that Five Star restaurant known as “Nathan’s Hot Dogs”.  I love hot dogs, because I love eating many types of meat parts all at once smushed together in a tube.  Yes, I have a very distinguishing palate.

She looked at me, scowled and said, “seriously, you’re not stupid enough to eat that in front of me, are you”?  (I told you she started it.)  So I replied, “why, you want some, you look a little puny…like you’ve been eating too many sticks and twigs”.

And we’re off.

She told me she couldn’t believe I was eating that “junk”.  I tried to diminish her disappointment in me by telling her it was made from 100% natural, organic, GMO free, nitrate free, cage free, free range, grass fed, nut free, egg free, dairy free, sugar free, and processed free sticks and twigs.  She didn’t buy it.  I think she somehow detected my thinly veiled sarcasm.  She told me it was bad for me.  I said of course it’s bad for me, that’s why it tastes good.  That’s the number one food rule.  If it tastes good…it’s bad for you.  Donuts taste good, but they’re bad for you.  Anybody see a pattern here?

I told her I had no ill will against vegetables.  It’s just that I prefer my vegetables to be fed to a steer so they become a steak.  #farmkid

And I let her know I knew a little bit about the food industry.  In fact, I knew that the stick of celery she was eating only had four calories, which is why it’s a great diet snack.  I also let her know that to eat and digest that stick of celery a person burns six calories.  Which means if you keep eating celery, you’ll eventually disappear.  I could be wrong on that one.

She questioned a lot of my reasoning.  Like when I suggested we examine one of the five basic food groups…chocolate.  I could be wrong on that one too, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of the major groups.  It is at least in my house.  So follow me on this logical journey:

Chocolate comes from the cacao bean.
The cacao bean comes from a tree.
A tree is a plant.
Therefore, chocolate is salad.
It’s a simple matter of deduction.

So how did this conversation end?  She told me she preferred to be called a “vegan”.  I told her the word “vegan” was actually an old Latin word that means “bad hunter”.

In case you’re wondering, that’s the type of comment that will stop a conversation.  She started it.  I guess I ended it.

MARK MAYFIELD…A funny speaker with a serious message.

The Olympics as seen by a Funny Speaker

Funny Speaker and the Olympics funny speaker The Olympics as seen by a Funny Speaker Rings


Take a twisted look at the Summer Olympics through the eyes of a funny speaker. 

Hey, how about them Olympics?  We took the medal count over China, but if it was a badminton & ping-pong Olympics we wouldn’t stand a chance.  Fortunately we also had Michael Phelps who won another 97 medals just by himself.  We had personal records, American records, Olympic records, and world records, but the biggest record was the length of the opening and closing ceremonies.  In fact, I think you can still catch the closing on TNT.  It’s still running.

Faster, Higher, Stronger is the Olympic motto (Citius, Altius, Fortius for you Latin buffs), but it needs to include “Skimpiest”.  Did you see the swim trunks on the male divers and the women beach volleyball players?  I guess it is convenient to be able to pack your uniform in a cough drops box, but I can assure you no one is getting a gold medal for modesty.  And somewhere along the line, the Olympic committee decided the motto included “Oddest”.  I know it’s graceful, but rhythmic gymnastics is just…odd.  To me, a stick and a ribbon doesn’t fit the faster, higher, stronger theme.  Nor does tossing two items in the air while doing a pirouette and a plié.  Unless, of course, those two items happen to be tire irons or swords.  Anything that involves a possible impaling is definitely a sport.  Which is precisely why I’m starting a move to bring Mumbley-peg to the Olympics.

That’s the real problem.  We’ve got too many events.  And at each Olympic games, they add more.  I can’t wait to see who wins “Fitted Sheet Folding” in Tokyo.  For that matter, why isn’t there a funny speaker contest?

I love horses but I’m not a fan of Equestrian events either, mainly because it’s unfair.  A lady in a goofy hat riding around an arena gets a gold medal, while the horse who has been launching himself & rider over water jumps, fences, and rails gets a bale of hay.  What?

And Race-Walking?  I know they’re in great shape, but there’s no way you watch that event and keep a straight face.  The real question…should we give medals for walking?  What’s next, skipping?

The Hammer Throw?  My Dad was a contractor and that ain’t no hammer they’re throwing. It’s a metal ball attached to a steel rod and a chain.  I think I saw that thing in “Braveheart”.  Wanna make it a sport?  Make them play catch with it.

A lot of these events used to relate to the real world, but about the only one that does now is the gymnastics balance beam.  That skill’s gonna come in real handy at a sobriety check.

All in all, here’s the weird thing.  I spent two weeks watching events that I care nothing about, and will end up watching them in another four years.  Why?  National pride.  There’s something about beating the rest of the world.  Even if it is just bouncing on a trampoline.

MARK MAYFIELD…A funny speaker with a Serious Message.

Funny Speaker – Funny (and ornery) Grandkids

funny speaker and his grandkids funny speaker Funny Speaker - Funny (and ornery) Grandkids IMG 1025 e1453486193130

A Funny Speaker’s Grandkids…Archer, Delaney, Everett, Reid

A funny speaker has four funny grandchildren.  Genetics.  A beautiful thing.

Four grandchildren.  Four angels.  Slightly ornery angels, but angels nonetheless.  Enjoying them like crazy now because once they’re teenagers, this old man, even though he’s their grandpa and makes audiences laugh as a funny speaker, will not be as cool.  So in honor of these unpredictable packages of joy, I’m listing the Top Ten things my grandchildren have taught their “PaPa”.


10.  The things that your kids did that made you mad, are now hilarious when your grandkids do them.


9.  The best place to wipe your hands is on the underneath side of the table.


8.  Super Heroes are AWESOME!!!


7.  On a grandchild, eyeglasses are the cutest.


6.  Being pulled around in a laundry basket never gets old.  Pulling the basket, however, can get old.


5.  A “Bouncy House” is a solid investment.


4.  You can read a book ten times in a row and it’s just as good the 10th time.


3.  A “Princess” dress can be worn at anytime, including during a nap and at an airport.


2.  The quality of the dining experience is directly proportional to the amount of food on your face and shirt.


1.  Grandkids give the best hugs.



Okay wait, here’s ten more, and then I promise I’ll stop.

(Did I mention I was an annoying Grandpa?)


10.  The best part of the cake is always the frosting, which is why you eat that first.


9.  The location in the bed where you go to sleep, bears no resemblance to the location in the bed where you wake up. 


8.  Bribery is sometimes okay.  Getting a grandchild’s kiss by promising a present is perfectly acceptable.


7.  It’s not important what you do outside, just that you BE outside.


6.  Playgrounds are mankind’s greatest invention.


5.  All shoes are adorable on a grandchild.


4.  All food is better on a stick.


3.  Bedtime is only a suggestion.  It can be extended by a variety of stalling tactics.


2.  A grandkid running to you with outstretched arms yelling “PaPa”, is the sweetest sound EVER!


And the number one thing I’ve learned:

There is nothing stronger than the grasp of a grandchild’s tiny hand.


My daughters know how much I love them, but there still is no truer adage than the old saying, “if I’d known how much fun grandkids would be, I’d have had them first”.


 MARK MAYFIELD…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message