Would a funny speaker be funnier without hair? We’re gonna find out.
It’s just hair. Ever thought about how much time and money we spend on our hair? Michael Jordan, Yul Brynner, Telly Savalas, and Michael Chiklis. Those guys were smart. Shaved their heads and saved thousands. But most of us spend a lot of hard earned money fixing follicles at the apex of our body. I’m guilty too. I do so because if I get any thinner on top, a Kiwi fruit will have more hair. So now I spend a lot of time trying to make six hairs look like twelve. And when I do, I secure them in place with the same material they use on gymnasium floors. I think that’s what Donald Trump does. On a windy day I bet he can look like shucked corn. (reference due to a farm background)
The other day I experienced a real paradox. I noticed a gray hair in my bathroom sink. I had lost a GRAY hair. It was only a GRAY hair, but it was a hair. At this point I’ll take any kind of hair.
I thought for a while that I just needed a little professional help so I had my hair “styled” instead of my hair “cut”. The only thing I learned was that the difference between a barber and a stylist is about twenty minutes and thirty bucks.
I also struggle with the multitude of hair products out there. Just check out the types of hair spray: super hold, extra hold, ultra hold, extreme hold. This is a tough call. I bought some hairspray the other day called “Big, Sexy, Hair”. False advertisement. My hair didn’t get big and it certainly didn’t get sexy. And shampoo is just crazy. I understand aromas, but what’s with the flavors? How do I know if my hair prefers pineapple or raspberry or coconut? Does my hair have taste buds? Am I washing my hair at International House of Pancakes?
What’s left? Hide it, I guess. Wear a lot of hats like Ron Howard. Even with a business suit because that’s apparently very hip. You ought to wear a cool hat though, like Justin Timberlake. He gets all the chicks and he doesn’t have a big head of hair. Apparently the hat plays. But I can’t wear a hat all the time, so maybe I should shave my head and then look like a walking panty hose container. Well I can’t do that either because I have a bad head. Seriously, my head is pointed. You could call me a pinhead. The doctors told my mom that my head is misshapen because I was in the canal too long. I don’t ever remember being in Panama. Bottom line: no way could I shave this pointy noggin.
Last option is the pharmacy. There are lots of hair growth products out there. Ointments, supplements, pills, oh my! The problem is that many of those products have potential side effects like fatigue, nausea, brain fog, headache, virility….
Hello? What was that last one? That seems like a no-brainer to me. No hair is worth that.
I’ve never seen a good toupee or a nice comb-over (ultimate oxymorons), so I had basically eliminated my options when I decided to return to the only hair expert I know, my barber, for one last opinion. I asked him bluntly, “my hair is falling out, what do you suggest to keep it in?” Without pausing he said, “a paper bag”. And he laughed. Me, not so much.
Mark Mayfield, A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message