I’m not just someone who makes a living as a funny speaker, I’m also a champion procrastinator.
So here’s my take on Christmas presents since there’s only a few days left to finish your shopping. Well, that’s the woman’s perspective. A funny speaker like me sees it a bit differently: there’s a few days left before I have to start my Christmas shopping.
I just don’t think shopping and men go together. I’ve always believed that was one of the biggest differences between the genders. Personally, shopping just drives me crazy. I’m not a shopper, I’m a buyer. My method generally has three steps:
1. Grab a catalog.
2. Go to the bathroom.
3. Pick something out.
And I think the gender differences in shopping can be summarized this way: A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t need, whereas a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he does need. Bottom line, we’ve both got shopping flaws.
It’s also true that men prefer shopping online more than shopping in a mall. That may be because there aren’t any naked women in the mall, but you can find a lot of them online. At least that’s what I’ve been told.
So if you’re one of those procrastinators, don’t put your shopping off any longer or you’ll end up giving your mom some beef jerky from QuickTrip (personal experience). And if you do that traditional “Twelve Days of Christmas” thing, here’s another twelve items you should avoid.
1. An overdue library book.
2. A box of chocolates that have been sampled.
3. Any item that has a “clearance” sticker on it.
4. Deodorant or fake hair. These aren’t good gifts ever, ever, ever.
5. A gift that you gave your brother earlier for his birthday. Definitely if it was personalized.
6. Granny panties. Even if the person is a Granny. Particularly if the person is your Granny.
7. Knitting supplies to someone who doesn’t knit. This is too busy of a time to take up a new hobby.
8. A pound of ground beef. Two words: E Coli.
9. An autographed picture of yourself.
10. Anything from a garage sale.
11. Statues of naked people.
12. Pants extenders.
This isn’t the all inclusive list of no-nos. There are thousands more. These are just a few that haven’t worked for me.
Maybe I should start earlier?
MARK MAYFIELD…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message