I may make a living as a funny speaker, but I’ve got some smart thoughts about some stupid studies.
Some people wouldn’t see things the way I do. Certainly other speakers, those that are motivational, inspirational, or informational. But when you’re a funny speaker, you see funny things all the time. Even in studies and government research projects that aren’t supposed to be humorous. So since we have a federal financial crisis with massive deficit spending, I thought I’d weigh in on this subject and offer a suggestion that both the far left and the far right and everyone in between could agree on: stop with the “studies”. You know what I’m talking about, those massively expensive surveys and research projects, often federally funded, that end up telling us something we all know.
A recent one was the multi-million dollar study that concluded British Petroleum was mainly responsible for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico a few summers ago. Really? Was there another prime suspect? Was it Shamu? I guess the fact that BP accepted responsibility for the disaster made the government somewhat suspicious, so they wanted to verify what everybody knew with a lengthy study. Glad they got to the bottom of that mystery.
How about this one: College Students Sleep Longer When Classes Start Later In Day. This revelation ranks right up there with the discovery of gravity. Who could possibly have known this? Oh I don’t know, maybe anyone who has ever gone to college, or anyone who has known someone that went to college, or anyone who has heard about someone going to college, or anyone who is conscious.
Contemplate this juicy research on the subject of weight loss:
Diet and Exercise are More Effective Than Either Method Alone, Genetics Also a Factor. WOW! Now that’s an epiphany! I’m fairly sure we knew the genetic connection. Redd Foxx used to say, “follow an ugly boy home from school and see who let’s him in the house”.
And here’s another: Forgetfulness Might Predict Cognitive Decline. Isn’t this a redundant study? I’m thinking that if I’m forgetting stuff more frequently, I might not be as sharp as I used to be. In other words, I would be experiencing cognitive decline. So not only does forgetfulness predict cognitive decline, IT IS COGNITIVE DECLINE.
Maybe we could just have a new cable television channel to showcase these studies. I could host it. Should we call it “A Funny Speaker looks at Funny Studies”? No way, it ought to be named the “No, Duh” network. But before we move ahead on this idea, we need to see if there’s a need. We better have a study.
Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message