This funny speaker has a great idea for New Year Resolutions.
It’s mid-January and most of my resolutions have already gone bye-bye. Turns out my resolutions are more like fantasies. But my FunnierU.com buddy George Campbell gave me a great idea: Resolutions are way more fun when you make them for other people. Now that’s just brilliant. So here goes: My New Year’s Resolutions for other people. It’s still early in the year, you can do this. C’mon people, get with it.
To the Hollywoodites: You resolve to recognize that the world does NOT revolve around you and most of the world does NOT care what you think. Okay, I’m shooting for the moon with this one. What’s beyond fantasy…delusion? Getting those egos in check is as likely as Ozzy Osbourne winning a game of Jeopardy.
To the Media: You resolve to stop trying to make news and instead just report the news like you used to do. Remember those days? Channel Walter Cronkite. Let us draw our own conclusions. If I want someone to tell me what to think I’ll ask my wife.
To the Lazy Grocery Shopper: You resolve to push that shopping cart the extra 10 feet and put it in the cart rack, instead of leaving it in the parking lot to randomly roll into and block a parking space or ding a car. Failure to accomplish this resolution comes with a mandatory cart ramming by me. Trust me, I’m just the guy that’ll do it. #parkinglotfight
To Facebook Friends: You resolve to be less narcissistic. I don’t care what you had for dinner. I don’t care that you’re thinking about reading a book. I don’t care about your political views. I just wanna see those cute little grandkid photos, funny cat videos, and your mugshot to see if you’re aging more than me.
To Nose Ring Wearers: You resolve to stop. Just stop. It looks like a booger that missed the handkerchief. Nobody wants to see that. And it’s gotta hurt. No self-artistry can be worth that much. I can’t imagine you with a cold and a runny nose. Now I gotta stop. I just got the back willys.
To Men Growing Beards Who Can’t Grow Beards: You resolve to postpone this attempt until your face reaches puberty. I know you want to look manly and you need street cred. But this ain’t the way. If I can count the hairs on your chinny chin chin, you need to wait. You look like you’re 12 with a dirty face. It just makes people want to beat you up more.
To Non-Turn-Signal-Using Drivers: You resolve to start using that little device that has been on cars since there have been highways. Pull down to go left. Push up to go right. It’s not that hard. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and say it could be broken. But it can’t be broken because you’ve never used it.
To Makers of Automated Phone Answering Systems: You resolve to include the prompt, “Press 1 to Talk to a Real Person”. It has to be the first option, not number 37. And saying “Representative” or “Agent” never works. Plus, when I’m in a public place, people just laugh at me when I say “Representative” nine times. I want a real person who speaks English with good diction who can help me. That’s why I called the “Help” line!
To Meteorologists: You resolve to stop giving excess information on the news. I don’t need to know that El Guapo has created a low-pressure front over the Andes, which could change the bi-polar troposphere in two weeks. It’s not that impressive that you know what a Chinook is (not the name of the Eskimo dude in “Snow Dogs”). Here’s what I need to know. Do I need a coat? Do I need an umbrella? That’s it. But now that I say this, why do we even have the weather report? They’re wrong half the time anyway. We should just do away with the weather forecast and give those extra minutes to Sports. Guys, whadya think? Can I get an “Amen”!
To Resolution Makers: Stop sharing, most of the world doesn’t care. Probably should take my own advice.
MARK MAYFIELD…A funny speaker with a serious message.