Take a twisted look at the Summer Olympics through the eyes of a funny speaker.
Hey, how about them Olympics? We took the medal count over China, but if it was a badminton & ping-pong Olympics we wouldn’t stand a chance. Fortunately we also had Michael Phelps who won another 97 medals just by himself. We had personal records, American records, Olympic records, and world records, but the biggest record was the length of the opening and closing ceremonies. In fact, I think you can still catch the closing on TNT. It’s still running.
Faster, Higher, Stronger is the Olympic motto (Citius, Altius, Fortius for you Latin buffs), but it needs to include “Skimpiest”. Did you see the swim trunks on the male divers and the women beach volleyball players? I guess it is convenient to be able to pack your uniform in a cough drops box, but I can assure you no one is getting a gold medal for modesty. And somewhere along the line, the Olympic committee decided the motto included “Oddest”. I know it’s graceful, but rhythmic gymnastics is just…odd. To me, a stick and a ribbon doesn’t fit the faster, higher, stronger theme. Nor does tossing two items in the air while doing a pirouette and a plié. Unless, of course, those two items happen to be tire irons or swords. Anything that involves a possible impaling is definitely a sport. Which is precisely why I’m starting a move to bring Mumbley-peg to the Olympics.
That’s the real problem. We’ve got too many events. And at each Olympic games, they add more. I can’t wait to see who wins “Fitted Sheet Folding” in Tokyo. For that matter, why isn’t there a funny speaker contest?
I love horses but I’m not a fan of Equestrian events either, mainly because it’s unfair. A lady in a goofy hat riding around an arena gets a gold medal, while the horse who has been launching himself & rider over water jumps, fences, and rails gets a bale of hay. What?
And Race-Walking? I know they’re in great shape, but there’s no way you watch that event and keep a straight face. The real question…should we give medals for walking? What’s next, skipping?
The Hammer Throw? My Dad was a contractor and that ain’t no hammer they’re throwing. It’s a metal ball attached to a steel rod and a chain. I think I saw that thing in “Braveheart”. Wanna make it a sport? Make them play catch with it.
A lot of these events used to relate to the real world, but about the only one that does now is the gymnastics balance beam. That skill’s gonna come in real handy at a sobriety check.
All in all, here’s the weird thing. I spent two weeks watching events that I care nothing about, and will end up watching them in another four years. Why? National pride. There’s something about beating the rest of the world. Even if it is just bouncing on a trampoline.
MARK MAYFIELD…A funny speaker with a Serious Message.