A Vegan meets a Funny Speaker

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A Vegan meets a Funny Speaker

What happens when a Vegan meets a Funny Speaker with an agriculture background?  Sarcasm.

We are a nation of different opinions and that is healthy.  There’s an old saying that goes, “if two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary”.  I respect an opposing view, I just want my opponent to respect mine.

Such was not the case with my last encounter with a vegetarian.  Let me emphatically state that I have nothing against vegetarians.  Some of my best friends are vegetarians.  I admire their perseverance and their steadfast belief.  Because as you know, a vegetarian will not eat anything that comes from or is derived from…flavor.  That takes real commitment.  And I repeat, I LOVE vegetarians!  It means more steak for me.  I’m selfish that way.

She sat next to me on the plane.  And she had the attitude that she was far superior and far more intelligent than anyone who was a carnivore.  Her name was Connie, which I think was an abbreviated nickname for “condescending”.  Let’s just say we had a conversation.  I’m sure when she started the dialogue she didn’t know she was talking to a funny speaker who is also a “steak and taters” farm kid who’s been involved in agriculture his entire life and who speaks fluent sarcasm.  She later found those two things out.  Here’s the recap, and remember…she started it.

I had an inkling she was a vegetarian because she was eating from a baggie filled with sticks and twigs.  I was preparing to eat as well.  I had raced to make my flight and had grabbed a meal from that Five Star restaurant known as “Nathan’s Hot Dogs”.  I love hot dogs, because I love eating many types of meat parts all at once smushed together in a tube.  Yes, I have a very distinguishing palate.

She looked at me, scowled and said, “seriously, you’re not stupid enough to eat that in front of me, are you”?  (I told you she started it.)  So I replied, “why, you want some, you look a little puny…like you’ve been eating too many sticks and twigs”.

And we’re off.

She told me she couldn’t believe I was eating that “junk”.  I tried to diminish her disappointment in me by telling her it was made from 100% natural, organic, GMO free, nitrate free, cage free, free range, grass fed, nut free, egg free, dairy free, sugar free, and processed free sticks and twigs.  She didn’t buy it.  I think she somehow detected my thinly veiled sarcasm.  She told me it was bad for me.  I said of course it’s bad for me, that’s why it tastes good.  That’s the number one food rule.  If it tastes good…it’s bad for you.  Donuts taste good, but they’re bad for you.  Anybody see a pattern here?

I told her I had no ill will against vegetables.  It’s just that I prefer my vegetables to be fed to a steer so they become a steak.  #farmkid

And I let her know I knew a little bit about the food industry.  In fact, I knew that the stick of celery she was eating only had four calories, which is why it’s a great diet snack.  I also let her know that to eat and digest that stick of celery a person burns six calories.  Which means if you keep eating celery, you’ll eventually disappear.  I could be wrong on that one.

She questioned a lot of my reasoning.  Like when I suggested we examine one of the five basic food groups…chocolate.  I could be wrong on that one too, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of the major groups.  It is at least in my house.  So follow me on this logical journey:

Chocolate comes from the cacao bean.
The cacao bean comes from a tree.
A tree is a plant.
Therefore, chocolate is salad.
It’s a simple matter of deduction.

So how did this conversation end?  She told me she preferred to be called a “vegan”.  I told her the word “vegan” was actually an old Latin word that means “bad hunter”.

In case you’re wondering, that’s the type of comment that will stop a conversation.  She started it.  I guess I ended it.

MARK MAYFIELD…A funny speaker with a serious message.

A Funny Speaker Looks at the Presidential Race

Politics are always funny to a funny speaker.  Particularly a Presidential race with a bunch of candidates posing as comedians.

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A Funny Speaker Looks at the Race for President

I know it seems like the Presidential race has already gone on forever, but we really haven’t begun.  We don’t even know who the nominees will be, that’s when the mud will fly and the annoying commercials will air.    My partners and I at FunnierU have been trying to ease everyone through this process by writing topical humor on the subject, so I thought I’d share some of our postings from this process to help you as well.  Don’t worry, I’m a non-partisan funny speaker.  I will offend all of you regardless which side of the aisle you sit, and who you support.  It’s how I roll.  Here’s your therapy…

Every candidate running for President wants to simplify the tax code.  And if you think that means less taxes, then you are what’s simple.
 
To keep Donald Trump’s hair in place they use the same stuff they use on gymnasium floors.
 
At her latest Presidential rally, Hillary said the Benghazi issue is nothing but a political witch hunt.  Then she got on her broom and flew away.
 
I don’t care what you think of his policies, but you have to agree, Chris Christie is the perfect shape for the Oval Office.
 
Ben Carson is a neurosurgeon.  Is there anyone that would be more out of place in Washington, D.C. than a brain surgeon?
 
Jeb Bush announced today he really doesn’t want to be President, he’s just sick and tired of being made fun of at family reunions.
 
The last Republican Presidential Debate included seven people.  I come from a big family and when there’s seven people talking it’s not a debate, it’s an argument.
 
The Bible says you can’t buy your way into heaven.  It doesn’t say anything about the White House.
 
I don’t agree with Bernie Sanders on a lot of things, but he is my favorite Muppet.
 
Donald Trump confuses me.  When he speaks I sometimes can’t tell if he’s on to something, or if he’s on something.
 
Hillary Clinton said there’s not a shred of evidence of any wrongdoing with her email servers.  She said SHRED!
 
The last debate had interruptions, sarcasm, angst, and name-calling.  It was like a family reunion.
 
Here’s a recap of the last Republican Presidential debate.  Carly Fiorina was angry, Jeb Bush was invisible, and Donald Trump acted like he needed to go pee.

My crossword puzzle asked for a seven-letter word, beginning with “C”, meaning twisted or devious.  “Crooked” works, but so does “Clinton”.  Hmmmm…

I’m not gonna say Bernie Sanders is too old, but if he was a car he’d be hard to get parts for.

After Donald Trump complained about unfair news coverage he was told, “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen”.  And that’s why I never got into politics…I hate doing dishes.

MARK MAYFIELD…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

A Funny Speaker’s take on Thanksgiving

Dinner with a funny speaker?  Sometimes not so funny.

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Thanksgiving with a Funny Speaker

Thanksgiving is a terrific time.  Families gather.  Feasts occur.  And we count our many, many blessings.  But let’s face it.  It ain’t all peachy.  We love our families, but there are always a few that we sorta wish would stay home.  Don’t sit there and shake your head “no”.  You know it’s true.  You’re thinking of that weird uncle right now.  The one who shares his latest medical malady in graphic detail before you sit to eat, then blows his nose during the meal, then clips his nails after the dessert…toenails, that is.  You wonder why he has to bring his fourth wife who luckily got the weekend off from the chicken gizzard processing plant.  She’s got a new tattoo of which she’s really proud.  And who wouldn’t be?  A dragon biting the head off a gopher as they disappear down the back waistband of her stretch pants…which, by the way, have no choice.  She’s a real prize, in a gag gift kinda way.  And she fits in sitting next to the cousin that decided to overhaul the Harley right before the meal.  Lovely.  The other uncle is there.  He works for the paper.  He throws it.  And the nephew with the purple and orange hair got paroled in time to show up.  Across from you is the niece who is complaining about how long her work day is now, since she started showing up on time.  It’s an entire family affair, there’s screaming and crying and whining.  And the kids aren’t acting any better either.  Grandpa is telling his favorite joke you’ve heard a million times:  “your Grandma and I were very happy for many years…and then we met”!  There’s a couple of drama queens in the group, which is convenient because they can try to one-up each other even if it means saying, “well oh yeah, I just had an appendix transplant”.  Your sister, who has a voice that can crack a glass, knows nothing about football but wants to narrate the game you’re trying to watch, “why are they fighting over that little ball, is it on sale”?  It’s a never ending day of irritations, and you’re committed that next year you’re just going to tell everyone you have to be home by yourself because you have a bad case of ebola.

 

Feeling better about your slightly dysfunctional family now?  Me too.  We may try to make things sound as bad as I just wrote, but it never is.  In fact, it’s almost always a GREAT thing. 

 

So when that relative grabs that last piece of pumpkin pie that you had your eye on, just remind yourself that you can’t pick your family.  And also remind yourself, they’re gonna leave in a few hours.

 

MARK MAYFIELD…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

Funny Speaker – Funny (and ornery) Grandkids


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A Funny Speaker’s Grandkids…Archer, Delaney, Everett, Reid

A funny speaker has four funny grandchildren.  Genetics.  A beautiful thing.

Four grandchildren.  Four angels.  Slightly ornery angels, but angels nonetheless.  Enjoying them like crazy now because once they’re teenagers, this old man, even though he’s their grandpa and makes audiences laugh as a funny speaker, will not be as cool.  So in honor of these unpredictable packages of joy, I’m listing the Top Ten things my grandchildren have taught their “PaPa”.

 

10.  The things that your kids did that made you mad, are now hilarious when your grandkids do them.

 

9.  The best place to wipe your hands is on the underneath side of the table.

 

8.  Super Heroes are AWESOME!!!

 

7.  On a grandchild, eyeglasses are the cutest.

 

6.  Being pulled around in a laundry basket never gets old.  Pulling the basket, however, can get old.

 

5.  A “Bouncy House” is a solid investment.

 

4.  You can read a book ten times in a row and it’s just as good the 10th time.

 

3.  A “Princess” dress can be worn at anytime, including during a nap and at an airport.

 

2.  The quality of the dining experience is directly proportional to the amount of food on your face and shirt.

 

1.  Grandkids give the best hugs.

 

 

Okay wait, here’s ten more, and then I promise I’ll stop.

(Did I mention I was an annoying Grandpa?)

 

10.  The best part of the cake is always the frosting, which is why you eat that first.

 

9.  The location in the bed where you go to sleep, bears no resemblance to the location in the bed where you wake up. 

 

8.  Bribery is sometimes okay.  Getting a grandchild’s kiss by promising a present is perfectly acceptable.

 

7.  It’s not important what you do outside, just that you BE outside.

 

6.  Playgrounds are mankind’s greatest invention.

 

5.  All shoes are adorable on a grandchild.

 

4.  All food is better on a stick.

 

3.  Bedtime is only a suggestion.  It can be extended by a variety of stalling tactics.

 

2.  A grandkid running to you with outstretched arms yelling “PaPa”, is the sweetest sound EVER!

 

And the number one thing I’ve learned:

There is nothing stronger than the grasp of a grandchild’s tiny hand.

 

My daughters know how much I love them, but there still is no truer adage than the old saying, “if I’d known how much fun grandkids would be, I’d have had them first”.

 

 MARK MAYFIELD…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

A Funny Speaker Hosts a Food Show. WHAT???

A funny speaker knows nothing about food, but still hosts a food show funny speaker A Funny Speaker Hosts a Food Show. WHAT??? food

A Funny Speaker hosts a Food Show

When you’re a funny speaker and emcee, you often get thrown into situations you never thought you’d experience.

Not too long ago I worked one of the coolest gigs I’ve ever had.  I presented a couple of programs for a food service wholesaler and also served as the emcee for cooking demonstrations during the two-day show.  And yes, for those that know me, I’m aware that you’re laughing.  A make a living as a funny speaker and would starve to death if I was a chef.  Pun intended.  The kitchen is foreign territory to me.  About all I can do is grill.  That’s because danger is involved. Give me a chance to lop off a finger or singe off an eyebrow and I’m all over it.  I just don’t know “food and drink”.  The only thing I know is that the best beer is the third one.

My job was to interview these professional chefs as they dazzled the audience with their culinary skills. And by the way, these guys were rock stars in this profession and also seasoned pros with a mic.  All were alumni of the TV show “Hell’s Kitchen”, so here’s a shout-out to my new pals Rock Harper, Kevin Cottle, & Van Hurd.  I wandered into this not knowing what to expect, but in the end mainly just sampled the food they were preparing. Turns out, I’m good at that.  I tried to stay away from trite statements like “wow” or “excellent” or “mmm”.  Instead I called upon my expert wordsmith skills and offered brilliant commentary like “nice” and “yum” and “goody, goody”.  I am a pro.

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure they were impressed when I told them I thought the world’s most perfect food was the Corn Dog.  (Meat wrapped in a vegetable on a stick.  Does it get any better than that? I think not.)  Nor did they laugh when I told them that researchers had discovered the gene that causes obesity.  It’s Gene Schwindleman, the guy who invented cupcakes.

I tried to make this a learning experience for them too.  I gave them advice that only a non-chef would think about, but nonetheless important stuff.  Things like…when faced with a choice, always buy fruit instead of vegetables because when fruit rots you can make wine. Try doing that with asparagus.  Or when you cook Cornish Hens, blindfold your parrot if you have one.  You don’t want him to think he’s next.  And since chocolate can reduce the chance of stroke and boost your immune system, put chocolate on EVERYTHING!

These guys have inspired me.  Cooking is now cool!  In the past the only thing I could make was a dinner reservation, but now I’m turning over a new leaf of Romaine lettuce and going to learn how to operate more than a can opener.  Chances are it might be a while before I’m an expert though.  At this point I don’t even know what wine goes with cottage cheese.

Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

 

A Funny Speaker Looks at Road Construction

Funny speaker and road construction Funny Speaker A Funny Speaker Looks at Road Construction ROADconst

Funny Speaker sees Funny Signs

A funny speaker gets to travel a lot.  And that’s annoying after a while.  Particularly when you’re navigating road construction.

Most of my work as a funny speaker involves travel by plane, but lately I’ve spent more time than normal traveling by car.  I’m glad this happened when fuel prices spiked.  I have excellent timing.  Got that goin’ for me. 

I don’t know if it’s residual stimulus money or not, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much road construction.  A lot of the work was way overdue, like the other day when I saw a pothole in a pothole, a recent inductee into the “Pothole Hall of Fame”.  But some of the work I truly believe is optional, like those Round-Abouts.  Those are all the craze in Europe, but they just make me dizzy.  If I want to drive in a circle and turn left, I’ll enter a NASCAR event.

I’ve never seen so many construction signs and I think I could save the government some money.  Just buy two road signs that say “No Road Construction Ahead” and put them the two places in the country where there isn’t any work going on.  I haven’t seen those two places, but I’m sure they’ve got to exist. 

As you might guess, I’m constantly looking for funny stuff as a funny speaker, and road signs are a bonanza for this.  Like when there are several signs in a row and I’m faced with the dilemma:  do I read them together as though they are a story instead of independent signs?  Case in point:  I see a sign that says “Flagman Ahead”, then a few hundred yards down the road a sign that says “No Shoulders”.  Really?  I’m glad they hired him, but how does he do it?  And some of the signs make absolutely no sense.  I actually saw this sign:  “Lane Closed to Ease Congestion”.  What?  I’ve always thought that shutting down lanes helped traffic flow, didn’t you?  The only thing I know about lane closure is that it’s just a game to see how many people can pass you on the right and squeeze in before they hit the construction barrels.  This despite the fact that the “Right Lane Closed” sign was posted two miles back.

So here are my road construction truisms I assimilated after my last few thousand road construction miles. 

1.  Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.  This is self-explanatory.  And you shouldn’t explain to someone that something is self-explanatory, unless you’re just wanting to imply they’re so stupid they might need an explanation.  So just forget that I said this was self-explanatory.

2.  Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you’re going.  If you do, that space will be filled in by someone else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3.  The number of cones is inversely proportional to the amount of work being done.  Two miles of cones will often mean one pothole is being filled.  In these cases, it often takes more time to place the cones that to actually do the work.

So the next time you see more Orange Cones on the highway than you do Pine Cones in the forest, just remember you’re not really a tourist this summer, you’re a detourist.

Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

A Funny Speaker at the Post Office

Cat Stamp and a funny speaker Funny Speaker A Funny Speaker at the Post Office CatStamp1

Funny Speaker at the Post Office

Going to the Post Office sometimes (0kay, every time) requires patience.  Particularly if you’re a funny speaker with a short attention span.

Every time.  Not some of the time.  Every time.   

I swear every time I go to the post office, I get behind THAT PERSON.  You know THAT PERSON.  You may be THAT PERSON.  They come in several forms. 

THE STAMP COLLECTOR:  Should I get teddy bears or daisies?  Do you have any Elvis commemorative stamps?  And everyone better get comfy if it’s close to a holiday, ’cause this is gonna take a while.  Come to think of it, it’s always close to a holiday.  Christmas stamps.  Valentine’s Day stamps.  National Cheez Whiz Day stamps.  So here’s a newsflash if you’re one of these people.  The recipient doesn’t care.  It’s a stamp.  It’s gonna end up in the trash.  But if you feel you’ve got to “theme” your mail, try to make a decision before I’m drawing social security.

THE BEST BUDDY:  These people have one goal:  become BFF with the postal clerk, regardless of how long it takes and how long the line is behind them.  They go on and on with one uninteresting anecdote after another.  Trust me, no one wants to know about Aunt Myrtle’s prostate surgery.  (Actually, that would be interesting.)

THE INDECISION MAKERThese people have been living in a cave and want to know every possible shipping option available.  “How much is insurance for $100?  What about $200?  Does delivery confirmation cost anything?  What about parcel post?  So what’s media mail?  Is this the flat rate shipment box?  How much more for priority?  How do I track it?  When will it get there?  Do dogs really bite you guys?  What’s the best remedy for gout?  And then…all those questions again with the next package.  Really?  While I’m waiting in line I could read a book.  Check that, I could write a book.

THE BULK MAILER:  This person has been packaging items for two months and is bringing in all 27 of them with hopes of a group discount.  Wrong answer, but thank you for playing.  How does this person with a loaded dolly always get there just a split second ahead of me?  Next time I run that red light.

THE BATHING OPTIONAL:  It’s just the post office, so personal hygiene is apparently not mandatory.  You’d think they could smell themselves.  The clerk can.  He’s passing out.  And don’t comb that hair either.  You wouldn’t want to disturb the nest of rabbits.

Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night will keep these people away from me.  I attract them like flies to honey.  So if you’re THAT PERSON, I’m gonna make a request.  Give me a break and head on over to the self-service kiosk.  You can buy a kitty-cat stamp there too.

Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

Funny Speakers and Funny Pets

I make a living as a funny speaker making people laugh (hopefully).  But often what makes me laugh are my pets.

A Funny Speaker has Funny Cats Funny Speaker Funny Speakers and Funny Pets Cats NormalPositions

Cats are Funny to a Funny Speaker

Pets are great companions because they love you unconditionally, as long as you give them a treat or scratch them behind the ears.   I scratched my wife behind the ears once and found it’s apparently different with women.

I’m a cat lover.  I love dogs too, but when you travel a lot, cats are a great option.  Fill the bowl with food, clean the litter box, leave the toilet seat up, and you’re good for a week.  I know they won’t fetch your slippers, but they won’t chew them up either.  I do recognize that one of the biggest negatives to owning a cat is that they seldom come when you call for them and they love to hide.  Last year a woman in Washington bought a used couch on Craigslist and discovered a live cat in one of the cushions.  That should serve as a reminder to always have your couch spayed or neutered.

One of my cats is a shaded chinchilla Persian.  Beautiful cat, but not the brightest. The other day he got his head in a paper bag and did a cat dance for five minutes trying to get it off.  It was hilarious.  I think he would have done it all day had I not untied it….   

Okay, that’s not true, just a bad joke.  But the following is true and I’m somewhat embarrassed to share it but as we all know, bad decisions make good stories.  Particularly if you make a living telling stories as a funny speaker.

“Bo” was my cat when I was single, and he was a man’s cat.  He loved to wrestle like a dog and you better be wearing leather gloves when you played that game or you were going to lose some hide.  He was so much like a dog that I decided I wanted to teach him to go for a walk using a leash.  I imagined myself walking my cat through the neighborhood just like everyone else walked their dog.

My first problem was putting on the halter.  He took to that like Paris Hilton takes to leftovers.  But after a few days he stopped trying to pull it off and I decided it was time to attach the leash and give this walk a try.  Normally Bo would walk along beside you, but with the halter & leash he just extended his front paws and refused to move.  So I pulled him a bit thinking he just needed to get started.  And I pulled him some more.  He absolutely refused to walk, just kept digging in with his front paws.  My neighbor saw this from across the street and yelled, “what the heck are you doing.”  I yelled back, “it’s obvious, I’m taking my cat for a drag”.  That’s when I realized this idea was about as good as when I thought of trying to potty train Bo.  I had read an article about how you could actually train your cat to use the commode, and it was a fairly simple process if you had the time.  But I nixed that idea because Bo was a guy cat.  I could see him sitting in the bathroom reading “Cat Fancy” for hours while I was outside looking for a place to dig a hole.

So this writing has three little lessons for you:  don’t try to potty train your cat if he’s a male, forget about taking your cat for a walk, and don’t scratch your wife behind her ears.

Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

Funny Speaker or Grumpy Old Man?

I make a living as a funny speaker, but sometimes I wonder if I’m a grumpy old man.  Such was the case on a recent flight.  It was just one flight, but I had to ask myself that question.

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A Grumpy Funny Speaker?

The row of kids behind me kept kicking the seat and slamming the trays up and down. Their parents were two rows ahead of them despite the fact there were plenty of seats nearby.  I think they knew something.  So I had to be the “Grumpy Old Man” and calm their kids down.

My serenity lasted all of 45 seconds because the twenty-something couple in front of me decided to work on their dance moves while listening to their iPod.  Bouncing up and down in their seats caused my laptop on the tray to hop to the beat.  Based on the rhythm I’m guessing Kanye West, certainly not Glenn Miller.  So once again, I had to tap them on the shoulder and be the “Grumpy Old Man”.

Calmness again was short-lived as the hefty lad beside me started air-drumming and air-guitaring to whatever was blasting from his headphones.  It had to be shattering his ear drums, because it was hurting mine.  So again, the “Grumpy Old Man” asked him to turn it down a bit and stop performing a live mime of the song.  And this required risking my own life since he had me by a couple hundred pounds.

This two-hour flight (that seemed like ten) finally ended and as we touched down on the runway the lady across the aisle immediately got on her cell phone to provide the latest up-to-date news flashes for the person picking her up.  I don’t know why she called the person, because they could have heard her from inside the terminal.  She was loud, and apparently couldn’t wait to let her friend know that the honey-roasted peanuts on the plane were “scrumptious”.  As the bustling noise of people deplaning picked up, so did her volume.  In comedy vernacular, we call this “an opportunity”.  I put my phone to my ear and began yelling, “I’m on my phone.  And I want everybody to know it.  So I’m gonna talk loud.  So everyone can hear me.  ‘Cause I’m a Grumpy Old Man.  And I’m really annoyed right now….”

She finally got the hint and hung up.  After that, no one would make eye contact with me.  Go figure.  They knew if they were rude, or obnoxious, or wrong, I was gonna let ’em know.  Why?  Not because I was a funny speaker.

‘Cause I’m a “Grumpy Old Man”.

Mark Mayfield,  A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

My Mom’s Favorite Funny Speaker

I am my mother’s favorite funny speaker in our family.  Okay, I’m the only funny speaker in our family.

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A Funny Speaker and His Mom

But since I’m her favorite, this blog is for her.  Why?  Because her birthday is this month.  She always tells me I’m her favorite, although I’m pretty sure she tells my four siblings the same thing.  But here’s why I really do think I’m on top:  I wrote a book about her.  I’ll let you in on a secret.  If you want to get in good with your momma, put her on the cover of a book.  That buys you a lot of kiss-up points.  My brother got her front row tickets to a Johnny Mathis concert a few years back and he moved a notch ahead of me for a while, but it didn’t last.

It’s good to be King again.

I can’t tell you how old my mother is because that violates that thing about telling a woman’s age.  All I’ll say is she’s somewhere between the Liberty Bell and the iPod.  She has taught me a lotta things about life, like potty training and dressing myself.  Those are very handy skills if you ever decide to go out in public.  But here’s one of the best things I learned from her…a sense of humor.  And she’s still teaching me.  I accidentally hit her speed dial number on my phone the other day and unknowingly called her.  She called me back and left this message, “Mark, your butt just dialed me.  I don’t know what he wanted, because he didn’t leave a message.  So if it’s important, tell your butt to call me back.  Luv’ ya’ son.” 
That’s my momma.

I wouldn’t be honest if I said she has no idiosyncrasies, and sometimes I really scratch my head.  Like when she recently drove through a red light because nobody was around and justified it by saying, “it was gonna change eventually”. 
Can’t really argue with that I guess.

But for every oddity she has, I’ve got ten.  I may joke about her, but she’s really “together”.  She’s hip (she’ll read this on her iPad).  She’s healthy (although we’re running out of body parts to replace).  And she’s happy.  And she makes everybody around her happy.  Just ask any of her kids, grandkids, and now great grandkids. 
How did I get so lucky to have her as my mom?

So Happy Birthday Mom!  I hope you liked this blog because I forgot to mail a card. 
Shocker, huh? 

How long can I milk the fact I put you on a book?

Mark Mayfield, A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message