It’s tough for a funny speaker to be romantic, but I’m gonna try.
I was recently accused of being angry about Valentine’s Day. I’m not angry, but let me write through clinched teeth on things I’ve been saying for years about this bogus holiday. Now before any of you romanticists get bent out of shape, I’ll start by saying the biggest beef I’ve got with this day is that we shouldn’t need a national holiday to show our loved ones how we feel about them. We should do that everyday. (I’ve just done what is called “covering your behind”). So let’s begin with this diatribe that will alienate millions (mainly women), even though millions aren’t reading this.
Valentine’s Day is, of course, about love. And a survey last year showed that 40 percent of the respondents thought that it was a great day to get engaged. I’m guessing the other 60 percent were men. (I took one for the guys right there.) But forget about that, let’s start with the symbol often used for Valentine’s Day. It’s Cupid. Seriously, that’s the best they could come up with? A short, fat baby in a diaper with a weapon. That just screams romance, don’t you think?
And I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but this day was obviously thought up by the greeting card people, the candy people, and the flower people. The perfume people, jewelry people, and Victoria Secret people were in on it too. In fact, this conspiracy is Victoria’s biggest secret. This scam has netted the aforementioned parties billions. It’s their biggest day of the year and certainly worthy of an antitrust investigation.
I struggle most with the flower issue because it seems to me those folks are the most relentless with their marketing. They make me feel like an insensitive cad if I don’t buy a dozen or more roses. But so far I’ve managed to resist and go with a more economical approach…a single red rose. The beauty is in the simplicity, and it’s still very romantic. Plus, they’re easy to steal from a cemetery. Okay, don’t send the email, that last comment was a joke. But I’ve hit upon my real issue with Valentine’s Day. It’s easy to spend a lot of money on all the Valentine paraphernalia, and that hurts when you’re a tightwad like me. Last year I wanted to buy my wife some perfume. I asked the lady at the perfume counter for a nice perfume and she showed me a bottle that cost $100. I said do you have anything cheaper and she showed me a bottle with a $50 price tag. I said can you show me something cheaper still, and she handed me a mirror. Looks like I’ll be heading to the cemetery soon.
Mark Mayfield, A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message