What happens when a Vegan meets a Funny Speaker with an agriculture background? Sarcasm.
We are a nation of different opinions and that is healthy. There’s an old saying that goes, “if two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary”. I respect an opposing view, I just want my opponent to respect mine.
Such was not the case with my last encounter with a vegetarian. Let me emphatically state that I have nothing against vegetarians. Some of my best friends are vegetarians. I admire their perseverance and their steadfast belief. Because as you know, a vegetarian will not eat anything that comes from or is derived from…flavor. That takes real commitment. And I repeat, I LOVE vegetarians! It means more steak for me. I’m selfish that way.
She sat next to me on the plane. And she had the attitude that she was far superior and far more intelligent than anyone who was a carnivore. Her name was Connie, which I think was an abbreviated nickname for “condescending”. Let’s just say we had a conversation. I’m sure when she started the dialogue she didn’t know she was talking to a funny speaker who is also a “steak and taters” farm kid who’s been involved in agriculture his entire life and who speaks fluent sarcasm. She later found those two things out. Here’s the recap, and remember…she started it.
I had an inkling she was a vegetarian because she was eating from a baggie filled with sticks and twigs. I was preparing to eat as well. I had raced to make my flight and had grabbed a meal from that Five Star restaurant known as “Nathan’s Hot Dogs”. I love hot dogs, because I love eating many types of meat parts all at once smushed together in a tube. Yes, I have a very distinguishing palate.
She looked at me, scowled and said, “seriously, you’re not stupid enough to eat that in front of me, are you”? (I told you she started it.) So I replied, “why, you want some, you look a little puny…like you’ve been eating too many sticks and twigs”.
And we’re off.
She told me she couldn’t believe I was eating that “junk”. I tried to diminish her disappointment in me by telling her it was made from 100% natural, organic, GMO free, nitrate free, cage free, free range, grass fed, nut free, egg free, dairy free, sugar free, and processed free sticks and twigs. She didn’t buy it. I think she somehow detected my thinly veiled sarcasm. She told me it was bad for me. I said of course it’s bad for me, that’s why it tastes good. That’s the number one food rule. If it tastes good…it’s bad for you. Donuts taste good, but they’re bad for you. Anybody see a pattern here?
I told her I had no ill will against vegetables. It’s just that I prefer my vegetables to be fed to a steer so they become a steak. #farmkid
And I let her know I knew a little bit about the food industry. In fact, I knew that the stick of celery she was eating only had four calories, which is why it’s a great diet snack. I also let her know that to eat and digest that stick of celery a person burns six calories. Which means if you keep eating celery, you’ll eventually disappear. I could be wrong on that one.
She questioned a lot of my reasoning. Like when I suggested we examine one of the five basic food groups…chocolate. I could be wrong on that one too, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of the major groups. It is at least in my house. So follow me on this logical journey:
Chocolate comes from the cacao bean.
The cacao bean comes from a tree.
A tree is a plant.
Therefore, chocolate is salad.
It’s a simple matter of deduction.
So how did this conversation end? She told me she preferred to be called a “vegan”. I told her the word “vegan” was actually an old Latin word that means “bad hunter”.
In case you’re wondering, that’s the type of comment that will stop a conversation. She started it. I guess I ended it.
MARK MAYFIELD…A funny speaker with a serious message.