Going to the Post Office sometimes (0kay, every time) requires patience. Particularly if you’re a funny speaker with a short attention span.
Every time. Not some of the time. Every time.
I swear every time I go to the post office, I get behind THAT PERSON. You know THAT PERSON. You may be THAT PERSON. They come in several forms.
THE STAMP COLLECTOR: Should I get teddy bears or daisies? Do you have any Elvis commemorative stamps? And everyone better get comfy if it’s close to a holiday, ’cause this is gonna take a while. Come to think of it, it’s always close to a holiday. Christmas stamps. Valentine’s Day stamps. National Cheez Whiz Day stamps. So here’s a newsflash if you’re one of these people. The recipient doesn’t care. It’s a stamp. It’s gonna end up in the trash. But if you feel you’ve got to “theme” your mail, try to make a decision before I’m drawing social security.
THE BEST BUDDY: These people have one goal: become BFF with the postal clerk, regardless of how long it takes and how long the line is behind them. They go on and on with one uninteresting anecdote after another. Trust me, no one wants to know about Aunt Myrtle’s prostate surgery. (Actually, that would be interesting.)
THE INDECISION MAKER: These people have been living in a cave and want to know every possible shipping option available. “How much is insurance for $100? What about $200? Does delivery confirmation cost anything? What about parcel post? So what’s media mail? Is this the flat rate shipment box? How much more for priority? How do I track it? When will it get there? Do dogs really bite you guys? What’s the best remedy for gout? And then…all those questions again with the next package. Really? While I’m waiting in line I could read a book. Check that, I could write a book.
THE BULK MAILER: This person has been packaging items for two months and is bringing in all 27 of them with hopes of a group discount. Wrong answer, but thank you for playing. How does this person with a loaded dolly always get there just a split second ahead of me? Next time I run that red light.
THE BATHING OPTIONAL: It’s just the post office, so personal hygiene is apparently not mandatory. You’d think they could smell themselves. The clerk can. He’s passing out. And don’t comb that hair either. You wouldn’t want to disturb the nest of rabbits.
Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night will keep these people away from me. I attract them like flies to honey. So if you’re THAT PERSON, I’m gonna make a request. Give me a break and head on over to the self-service kiosk. You can buy a kitty-cat stamp there too.
Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message