Funny Speakers and Funny Pets

I make a living as a funny speaker making people laugh (hopefully).  But often what makes me laugh are my pets.

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Cats are Funny to a Funny Speaker

Pets are great companions because they love you unconditionally, as long as you give them a treat or scratch them behind the ears.   I scratched my wife behind the ears once and found it’s apparently different with women.

I’m a cat lover.  I love dogs too, but when you travel a lot, cats are a great option.  Fill the bowl with food, clean the litter box, leave the toilet seat up, and you’re good for a week.  I know they won’t fetch your slippers, but they won’t chew them up either.  I do recognize that one of the biggest negatives to owning a cat is that they seldom come when you call for them and they love to hide.  Last year a woman in Washington bought a used couch on Craigslist and discovered a live cat in one of the cushions.  That should serve as a reminder to always have your couch spayed or neutered.

One of my cats is a shaded chinchilla Persian.  Beautiful cat, but not the brightest. The other day he got his head in a paper bag and did a cat dance for five minutes trying to get it off.  It was hilarious.  I think he would have done it all day had I not untied it….   

Okay, that’s not true, just a bad joke.  But the following is true and I’m somewhat embarrassed to share it but as we all know, bad decisions make good stories.  Particularly if you make a living telling stories as a funny speaker.

“Bo” was my cat when I was single, and he was a man’s cat.  He loved to wrestle like a dog and you better be wearing leather gloves when you played that game or you were going to lose some hide.  He was so much like a dog that I decided I wanted to teach him to go for a walk using a leash.  I imagined myself walking my cat through the neighborhood just like everyone else walked their dog.

My first problem was putting on the halter.  He took to that like Paris Hilton takes to leftovers.  But after a few days he stopped trying to pull it off and I decided it was time to attach the leash and give this walk a try.  Normally Bo would walk along beside you, but with the halter & leash he just extended his front paws and refused to move.  So I pulled him a bit thinking he just needed to get started.  And I pulled him some more.  He absolutely refused to walk, just kept digging in with his front paws.  My neighbor saw this from across the street and yelled, “what the heck are you doing.”  I yelled back, “it’s obvious, I’m taking my cat for a drag”.  That’s when I realized this idea was about as good as when I thought of trying to potty train Bo.  I had read an article about how you could actually train your cat to use the commode, and it was a fairly simple process if you had the time.  But I nixed that idea because Bo was a guy cat.  I could see him sitting in the bathroom reading “Cat Fancy” for hours while I was outside looking for a place to dig a hole.

So this writing has three little lessons for you:  don’t try to potty train your cat if he’s a male, forget about taking your cat for a walk, and don’t scratch your wife behind her ears.

Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message


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