Halloween as seen by a Funny Speaker

I make a living as a funny speaker.  So having fun with Halloween is a natural.

We’re approaching Halloween, a favorite holiday of mine.  I want to thank whoever came up with this trick-or-treat-give-me-candy concept.  That person is an American hero.  Same for the person who invented the world’s most perfect food…the corndog.  Veggies and meat on a stick.  Genius!  And also the person who came up with Cookie Crisp cereal.  Pouring milk over tiny chocolate chip cookies and calling it breakfast.  Brilliant!  We should have a Mount Rushmore for those three people.  But I digress, back to Halloween. 

A free bag full of candy, need I say more.  I think not.  But I will. 

This Funny Speaker love Halloween Funny Speaker Halloween as seen by a Funny Speaker HalloweenI loved going house to house for those goodies but eventually I became too old for that.  I should have noticed the signs.  Asking for high fiber candy was a sign.  Having people say “Great Keith Richard’s mask”, when I wasn’t wearing a mask was a sign.  But the real clincher was when I realized that my last three costumes involved a walker.  I was ready to retire anyway because this was about the time they invented those little bite-size candy bars.  I hate those things.  I personally believe that a candy bar should be big enough to lay down on.  So I’m not trick-or-treating anymore but I do dress up to hand out the candy when these little ghosts and goblins come to the door.  A couple of years ago I was a punk rock ballerina.  Imagine me in tights.  Not pretty.  Some of the children just ran when I opened the door.  I was forced to make changes after that year.  Who wants to be within 50 feet of a school bus anyway?  So this year I’ll wear a conservative costume and tell the trick-or-treaters my favorite Halloween joke, “A skeleton walks into a bar and says ‘give me a beer and a mop’.”  If you didn’t get that joke or like that joke, you’re a member of a very large group.  But I’m bettin’ that joke will keep those little candy beggars away.

Mark Mayfield, A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message


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