I make a living as a funny speaker. So having fun with Halloween is a natural.
We’re approaching Halloween, a favorite holiday of mine. I want to thank whoever came up with this trick-or-treat-give-me-candy concept. That person is an American hero. Same for the person who invented the world’s most perfect food…the corndog. Veggies and meat on a stick. Genius! And also the person who came up with Cookie Crisp cereal. Pouring milk over tiny chocolate chip cookies and calling it breakfast. Brilliant! We should have a Mount Rushmore for those three people. But I digress, back to Halloween.
A free bag full of candy, need I say more. I think not. But I will.
I loved going house to house for those goodies but eventually I became too old for that. I should have noticed the signs. Asking for high fiber candy was a sign. Having people say “Great Keith Richard’s mask”, when I wasn’t wearing a mask was a sign. But the real clincher was when I realized that my last three costumes involved a walker. I was ready to retire anyway because this was about the time they invented those little bite-size candy bars. I hate those things. I personally believe that a candy bar should be big enough to lay down on. So I’m not trick-or-treating anymore but I do dress up to hand out the candy when these little ghosts and goblins come to the door. A couple of years ago I was a punk rock ballerina. Imagine me in tights. Not pretty. Some of the children just ran when I opened the door. I was forced to make changes after that year. Who wants to be within 50 feet of a school bus anyway? So this year I’ll wear a conservative costume and tell the trick-or-treaters my favorite Halloween joke, “A skeleton walks into a bar and says ‘give me a beer and a mop’.” If you didn’t get that joke or like that joke, you’re a member of a very large group. But I’m bettin’ that joke will keep those little candy beggars away.
Mark Mayfield, A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message