A Vegan meets a Funny Speaker

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A Vegan meets a Funny Speaker

What happens when a Vegan meets a Funny Speaker with an agriculture background?  Sarcasm.

We are a nation of different opinions and that is healthy.  There’s an old saying that goes, “if two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary”.  I respect an opposing view, I just want my opponent to respect mine.

Such was not the case with my last encounter with a vegetarian.  Let me emphatically state that I have nothing against vegetarians.  Some of my best friends are vegetarians.  I admire their perseverance and their steadfast belief.  Because as you know, a vegetarian will not eat anything that comes from or is derived from…flavor.  That takes real commitment.  And I repeat, I LOVE vegetarians!  It means more steak for me.  I’m selfish that way.

She sat next to me on the plane.  And she had the attitude that she was far superior and far more intelligent than anyone who was a carnivore.  Her name was Connie, which I think was an abbreviated nickname for “condescending”.  Let’s just say we had a conversation.  I’m sure when she started the dialogue she didn’t know she was talking to a funny speaker who is also a “steak and taters” farm kid who’s been involved in agriculture his entire life and who speaks fluent sarcasm.  She later found those two things out.  Here’s the recap, and remember…she started it.

I had an inkling she was a vegetarian because she was eating from a baggie filled with sticks and twigs.  I was preparing to eat as well.  I had raced to make my flight and had grabbed a meal from that Five Star restaurant known as “Nathan’s Hot Dogs”.  I love hot dogs, because I love eating many types of meat parts all at once smushed together in a tube.  Yes, I have a very distinguishing palate.

She looked at me, scowled and said, “seriously, you’re not stupid enough to eat that in front of me, are you”?  (I told you she started it.)  So I replied, “why, you want some, you look a little puny…like you’ve been eating too many sticks and twigs”.

And we’re off.

She told me she couldn’t believe I was eating that “junk”.  I tried to diminish her disappointment in me by telling her it was made from 100% natural, organic, GMO free, nitrate free, cage free, free range, grass fed, nut free, egg free, dairy free, sugar free, and processed free sticks and twigs.  She didn’t buy it.  I think she somehow detected my thinly veiled sarcasm.  She told me it was bad for me.  I said of course it’s bad for me, that’s why it tastes good.  That’s the number one food rule.  If it tastes good…it’s bad for you.  Donuts taste good, but they’re bad for you.  Anybody see a pattern here?

I told her I had no ill will against vegetables.  It’s just that I prefer my vegetables to be fed to a steer so they become a steak.  #farmkid

And I let her know I knew a little bit about the food industry.  In fact, I knew that the stick of celery she was eating only had four calories, which is why it’s a great diet snack.  I also let her know that to eat and digest that stick of celery a person burns six calories.  Which means if you keep eating celery, you’ll eventually disappear.  I could be wrong on that one.

She questioned a lot of my reasoning.  Like when I suggested we examine one of the five basic food groups…chocolate.  I could be wrong on that one too, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of the major groups.  It is at least in my house.  So follow me on this logical journey:

Chocolate comes from the cacao bean.
The cacao bean comes from a tree.
A tree is a plant.
Therefore, chocolate is salad.
It’s a simple matter of deduction.

So how did this conversation end?  She told me she preferred to be called a “vegan”.  I told her the word “vegan” was actually an old Latin word that means “bad hunter”.

In case you’re wondering, that’s the type of comment that will stop a conversation.  She started it.  I guess I ended it.

MARK MAYFIELD…A funny speaker with a serious message.

The Olympics as seen by a Funny Speaker

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A FUNNY SPEAKER LOOKS AT THE OLYMPICS

Take a twisted look at the Summer Olympics through the eyes of a funny speaker. 

Hey, how about them Olympics?  We took the medal count over China, but if it was a badminton & ping-pong Olympics we wouldn’t stand a chance.  Fortunately we also had Michael Phelps who won another 97 medals just by himself.  We had personal records, American records, Olympic records, and world records, but the biggest record was the length of the opening and closing ceremonies.  In fact, I think you can still catch the closing on TNT.  It’s still running.

Faster, Higher, Stronger is the Olympic motto (Citius, Altius, Fortius for you Latin buffs), but it needs to include “Skimpiest”.  Did you see the swim trunks on the male divers and the women beach volleyball players?  I guess it is convenient to be able to pack your uniform in a cough drops box, but I can assure you no one is getting a gold medal for modesty.  And somewhere along the line, the Olympic committee decided the motto included “Oddest”.  I know it’s graceful, but rhythmic gymnastics is just…odd.  To me, a stick and a ribbon doesn’t fit the faster, higher, stronger theme.  Nor does tossing two items in the air while doing a pirouette and a plié.  Unless, of course, those two items happen to be tire irons or swords.  Anything that involves a possible impaling is definitely a sport.  Which is precisely why I’m starting a move to bring Mumbley-peg to the Olympics.

That’s the real problem.  We’ve got too many events.  And at each Olympic games, they add more.  I can’t wait to see who wins “Fitted Sheet Folding” in Tokyo.  For that matter, why isn’t there a funny speaker contest?

I love horses but I’m not a fan of Equestrian events either, mainly because it’s unfair.  A lady in a goofy hat riding around an arena gets a gold medal, while the horse who has been launching himself & rider over water jumps, fences, and rails gets a bale of hay.  What?

And Race-Walking?  I know they’re in great shape, but there’s no way you watch that event and keep a straight face.  The real question…should we give medals for walking?  What’s next, skipping?

The Hammer Throw?  My Dad was a contractor and that ain’t no hammer they’re throwing. It’s a metal ball attached to a steel rod and a chain.  I think I saw that thing in “Braveheart”.  Wanna make it a sport?  Make them play catch with it.

A lot of these events used to relate to the real world, but about the only one that does now is the gymnastics balance beam.  That skill’s gonna come in real handy at a sobriety check.

All in all, here’s the weird thing.  I spent two weeks watching events that I care nothing about, and will end up watching them in another four years.  Why?  National pride.  There’s something about beating the rest of the world.  Even if it is just bouncing on a trampoline.

MARK MAYFIELD…A funny speaker with a Serious Message.

A Funny Speaker Looks at the Presidential Race

Politics are always funny to a funny speaker.  Particularly a Presidential race with a bunch of candidates posing as comedians.

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A Funny Speaker Looks at the Race for President

I know it seems like the Presidential race has already gone on forever, but we really haven’t begun.  We don’t even know who the nominees will be, that’s when the mud will fly and the annoying commercials will air.    My partners and I at FunnierU have been trying to ease everyone through this process by writing topical humor on the subject, so I thought I’d share some of our postings from this process to help you as well.  Don’t worry, I’m a non-partisan funny speaker.  I will offend all of you regardless which side of the aisle you sit, and who you support.  It’s how I roll.  Here’s your therapy…

Every candidate running for President wants to simplify the tax code.  And if you think that means less taxes, then you are what’s simple.
 
To keep Donald Trump’s hair in place they use the same stuff they use on gymnasium floors.
 
At her latest Presidential rally, Hillary said the Benghazi issue is nothing but a political witch hunt.  Then she got on her broom and flew away.
 
I don’t care what you think of his policies, but you have to agree, Chris Christie is the perfect shape for the Oval Office.
 
Ben Carson is a neurosurgeon.  Is there anyone that would be more out of place in Washington, D.C. than a brain surgeon?
 
Jeb Bush announced today he really doesn’t want to be President, he’s just sick and tired of being made fun of at family reunions.
 
The last Republican Presidential Debate included seven people.  I come from a big family and when there’s seven people talking it’s not a debate, it’s an argument.
 
The Bible says you can’t buy your way into heaven.  It doesn’t say anything about the White House.
 
I don’t agree with Bernie Sanders on a lot of things, but he is my favorite Muppet.
 
Donald Trump confuses me.  When he speaks I sometimes can’t tell if he’s on to something, or if he’s on something.
 
Hillary Clinton said there’s not a shred of evidence of any wrongdoing with her email servers.  She said SHRED!
 
The last debate had interruptions, sarcasm, angst, and name-calling.  It was like a family reunion.
 
Here’s a recap of the last Republican Presidential debate.  Carly Fiorina was angry, Jeb Bush was invisible, and Donald Trump acted like he needed to go pee.

My crossword puzzle asked for a seven-letter word, beginning with “C”, meaning twisted or devious.  “Crooked” works, but so does “Clinton”.  Hmmmm…

I’m not gonna say Bernie Sanders is too old, but if he was a car he’d be hard to get parts for.

After Donald Trump complained about unfair news coverage he was told, “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen”.  And that’s why I never got into politics…I hate doing dishes.

MARK MAYFIELD…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

A Funny Speaker’s take on Thanksgiving

Dinner with a funny speaker?  Sometimes not so funny.

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Thanksgiving with a Funny Speaker

Thanksgiving is a terrific time.  Families gather.  Feasts occur.  And we count our many, many blessings.  But let’s face it.  It ain’t all peachy.  We love our families, but there are always a few that we sorta wish would stay home.  Don’t sit there and shake your head “no”.  You know it’s true.  You’re thinking of that weird uncle right now.  The one who shares his latest medical malady in graphic detail before you sit to eat, then blows his nose during the meal, then clips his nails after the dessert…toenails, that is.  You wonder why he has to bring his fourth wife who luckily got the weekend off from the chicken gizzard processing plant.  She’s got a new tattoo of which she’s really proud.  And who wouldn’t be?  A dragon biting the head off a gopher as they disappear down the back waistband of her stretch pants…which, by the way, have no choice.  She’s a real prize, in a gag gift kinda way.  And she fits in sitting next to the cousin that decided to overhaul the Harley right before the meal.  Lovely.  The other uncle is there.  He works for the paper.  He throws it.  And the nephew with the purple and orange hair got paroled in time to show up.  Across from you is the niece who is complaining about how long her work day is now, since she started showing up on time.  It’s an entire family affair, there’s screaming and crying and whining.  And the kids aren’t acting any better either.  Grandpa is telling his favorite joke you’ve heard a million times:  “your Grandma and I were very happy for many years…and then we met”!  There’s a couple of drama queens in the group, which is convenient because they can try to one-up each other even if it means saying, “well oh yeah, I just had an appendix transplant”.  Your sister, who has a voice that can crack a glass, knows nothing about football but wants to narrate the game you’re trying to watch, “why are they fighting over that little ball, is it on sale”?  It’s a never ending day of irritations, and you’re committed that next year you’re just going to tell everyone you have to be home by yourself because you have a bad case of ebola.

 

Feeling better about your slightly dysfunctional family now?  Me too.  We may try to make things sound as bad as I just wrote, but it never is.  In fact, it’s almost always a GREAT thing. 

 

So when that relative grabs that last piece of pumpkin pie that you had your eye on, just remind yourself that you can’t pick your family.  And also remind yourself, they’re gonna leave in a few hours.

 

MARK MAYFIELD…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

Funny Speaker – Funny (and ornery) Grandkids


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A Funny Speaker’s Grandkids…Archer, Delaney, Everett, Reid

A funny speaker has four funny grandchildren.  Genetics.  A beautiful thing.

Four grandchildren.  Four angels.  Slightly ornery angels, but angels nonetheless.  Enjoying them like crazy now because once they’re teenagers, this old man, even though he’s their grandpa and makes audiences laugh as a funny speaker, will not be as cool.  So in honor of these unpredictable packages of joy, I’m listing the Top Ten things my grandchildren have taught their “PaPa”.

 

10.  The things that your kids did that made you mad, are now hilarious when your grandkids do them.

 

9.  The best place to wipe your hands is on the underneath side of the table.

 

8.  Super Heroes are AWESOME!!!

 

7.  On a grandchild, eyeglasses are the cutest.

 

6.  Being pulled around in a laundry basket never gets old.  Pulling the basket, however, can get old.

 

5.  A “Bouncy House” is a solid investment.

 

4.  You can read a book ten times in a row and it’s just as good the 10th time.

 

3.  A “Princess” dress can be worn at anytime, including during a nap and at an airport.

 

2.  The quality of the dining experience is directly proportional to the amount of food on your face and shirt.

 

1.  Grandkids give the best hugs.

 

 

Okay wait, here’s ten more, and then I promise I’ll stop.

(Did I mention I was an annoying Grandpa?)

 

10.  The best part of the cake is always the frosting, which is why you eat that first.

 

9.  The location in the bed where you go to sleep, bears no resemblance to the location in the bed where you wake up. 

 

8.  Bribery is sometimes okay.  Getting a grandchild’s kiss by promising a present is perfectly acceptable.

 

7.  It’s not important what you do outside, just that you BE outside.

 

6.  Playgrounds are mankind’s greatest invention.

 

5.  All shoes are adorable on a grandchild.

 

4.  All food is better on a stick.

 

3.  Bedtime is only a suggestion.  It can be extended by a variety of stalling tactics.

 

2.  A grandkid running to you with outstretched arms yelling “PaPa”, is the sweetest sound EVER!

 

And the number one thing I’ve learned:

There is nothing stronger than the grasp of a grandchild’s tiny hand.

 

My daughters know how much I love them, but there still is no truer adage than the old saying, “if I’d known how much fun grandkids would be, I’d have had them first”.

 

 MARK MAYFIELD…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

A Funny Speaker Hosts a Food Show. WHAT???

A funny speaker knows nothing about food, but still hosts a food show funny speaker A Funny Speaker Hosts a Food Show. WHAT??? food

A Funny Speaker hosts a Food Show

When you’re a funny speaker and emcee, you often get thrown into situations you never thought you’d experience.

Not too long ago I worked one of the coolest gigs I’ve ever had.  I presented a couple of programs for a food service wholesaler and also served as the emcee for cooking demonstrations during the two-day show.  And yes, for those that know me, I’m aware that you’re laughing.  A make a living as a funny speaker and would starve to death if I was a chef.  Pun intended.  The kitchen is foreign territory to me.  About all I can do is grill.  That’s because danger is involved. Give me a chance to lop off a finger or singe off an eyebrow and I’m all over it.  I just don’t know “food and drink”.  The only thing I know is that the best beer is the third one.

My job was to interview these professional chefs as they dazzled the audience with their culinary skills. And by the way, these guys were rock stars in this profession and also seasoned pros with a mic.  All were alumni of the TV show “Hell’s Kitchen”, so here’s a shout-out to my new pals Rock Harper, Kevin Cottle, & Van Hurd.  I wandered into this not knowing what to expect, but in the end mainly just sampled the food they were preparing. Turns out, I’m good at that.  I tried to stay away from trite statements like “wow” or “excellent” or “mmm”.  Instead I called upon my expert wordsmith skills and offered brilliant commentary like “nice” and “yum” and “goody, goody”.  I am a pro.

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure they were impressed when I told them I thought the world’s most perfect food was the Corn Dog.  (Meat wrapped in a vegetable on a stick.  Does it get any better than that? I think not.)  Nor did they laugh when I told them that researchers had discovered the gene that causes obesity.  It’s Gene Schwindleman, the guy who invented cupcakes.

I tried to make this a learning experience for them too.  I gave them advice that only a non-chef would think about, but nonetheless important stuff.  Things like…when faced with a choice, always buy fruit instead of vegetables because when fruit rots you can make wine. Try doing that with asparagus.  Or when you cook Cornish Hens, blindfold your parrot if you have one.  You don’t want him to think he’s next.  And since chocolate can reduce the chance of stroke and boost your immune system, put chocolate on EVERYTHING!

These guys have inspired me.  Cooking is now cool!  In the past the only thing I could make was a dinner reservation, but now I’m turning over a new leaf of Romaine lettuce and going to learn how to operate more than a can opener.  Chances are it might be a while before I’m an expert though.  At this point I don’t even know what wine goes with cottage cheese.

Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

 

A Funny Speaker Looks at Road Construction

Funny speaker and road construction Funny Speaker A Funny Speaker Looks at Road Construction ROADconst

Funny Speaker sees Funny Signs

A funny speaker gets to travel a lot.  And that’s annoying after a while.  Particularly when you’re navigating road construction.

Most of my work as a funny speaker involves travel by plane, but lately I’ve spent more time than normal traveling by car.  I’m glad this happened when fuel prices spiked.  I have excellent timing.  Got that goin’ for me. 

I don’t know if it’s residual stimulus money or not, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much road construction.  A lot of the work was way overdue, like the other day when I saw a pothole in a pothole, a recent inductee into the “Pothole Hall of Fame”.  But some of the work I truly believe is optional, like those Round-Abouts.  Those are all the craze in Europe, but they just make me dizzy.  If I want to drive in a circle and turn left, I’ll enter a NASCAR event.

I’ve never seen so many construction signs and I think I could save the government some money.  Just buy two road signs that say “No Road Construction Ahead” and put them the two places in the country where there isn’t any work going on.  I haven’t seen those two places, but I’m sure they’ve got to exist. 

As you might guess, I’m constantly looking for funny stuff as a funny speaker, and road signs are a bonanza for this.  Like when there are several signs in a row and I’m faced with the dilemma:  do I read them together as though they are a story instead of independent signs?  Case in point:  I see a sign that says “Flagman Ahead”, then a few hundred yards down the road a sign that says “No Shoulders”.  Really?  I’m glad they hired him, but how does he do it?  And some of the signs make absolutely no sense.  I actually saw this sign:  “Lane Closed to Ease Congestion”.  What?  I’ve always thought that shutting down lanes helped traffic flow, didn’t you?  The only thing I know about lane closure is that it’s just a game to see how many people can pass you on the right and squeeze in before they hit the construction barrels.  This despite the fact that the “Right Lane Closed” sign was posted two miles back.

So here are my road construction truisms I assimilated after my last few thousand road construction miles. 

1.  Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.  This is self-explanatory.  And you shouldn’t explain to someone that something is self-explanatory, unless you’re just wanting to imply they’re so stupid they might need an explanation.  So just forget that I said this was self-explanatory.

2.  Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you’re going.  If you do, that space will be filled in by someone else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3.  The number of cones is inversely proportional to the amount of work being done.  Two miles of cones will often mean one pothole is being filled.  In these cases, it often takes more time to place the cones that to actually do the work.

So the next time you see more Orange Cones on the highway than you do Pine Cones in the forest, just remember you’re not really a tourist this summer, you’re a detourist.

Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

A Funny Speaker at the Post Office

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Funny Speaker at the Post Office

Going to the Post Office sometimes (0kay, every time) requires patience.  Particularly if you’re a funny speaker with a short attention span.

Every time.  Not some of the time.  Every time.   

I swear every time I go to the post office, I get behind THAT PERSON.  You know THAT PERSON.  You may be THAT PERSON.  They come in several forms. 

THE STAMP COLLECTOR:  Should I get teddy bears or daisies?  Do you have any Elvis commemorative stamps?  And everyone better get comfy if it’s close to a holiday, ’cause this is gonna take a while.  Come to think of it, it’s always close to a holiday.  Christmas stamps.  Valentine’s Day stamps.  National Cheez Whiz Day stamps.  So here’s a newsflash if you’re one of these people.  The recipient doesn’t care.  It’s a stamp.  It’s gonna end up in the trash.  But if you feel you’ve got to “theme” your mail, try to make a decision before I’m drawing social security.

THE BEST BUDDY:  These people have one goal:  become BFF with the postal clerk, regardless of how long it takes and how long the line is behind them.  They go on and on with one uninteresting anecdote after another.  Trust me, no one wants to know about Aunt Myrtle’s prostate surgery.  (Actually, that would be interesting.)

THE INDECISION MAKERThese people have been living in a cave and want to know every possible shipping option available.  “How much is insurance for $100?  What about $200?  Does delivery confirmation cost anything?  What about parcel post?  So what’s media mail?  Is this the flat rate shipment box?  How much more for priority?  How do I track it?  When will it get there?  Do dogs really bite you guys?  What’s the best remedy for gout?  And then…all those questions again with the next package.  Really?  While I’m waiting in line I could read a book.  Check that, I could write a book.

THE BULK MAILER:  This person has been packaging items for two months and is bringing in all 27 of them with hopes of a group discount.  Wrong answer, but thank you for playing.  How does this person with a loaded dolly always get there just a split second ahead of me?  Next time I run that red light.

THE BATHING OPTIONAL:  It’s just the post office, so personal hygiene is apparently not mandatory.  You’d think they could smell themselves.  The clerk can.  He’s passing out.  And don’t comb that hair either.  You wouldn’t want to disturb the nest of rabbits.

Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night will keep these people away from me.  I attract them like flies to honey.  So if you’re THAT PERSON, I’m gonna make a request.  Give me a break and head on over to the self-service kiosk.  You can buy a kitty-cat stamp there too.

Mark Mayfield…A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message

I am an Aging Funny Speaker

A funny speaker will age just like everybody else.  And sooner or later it will happen to you too.

A Funny Speaker looks at aging funny speaker I am an Aging Funny Speaker aging

A Funny Speaker Looks at Aging

You’ll look in the mirror and say, “when did I get so old?”  Sometimes it’s when you have a birthday, or even more telling…when your child has one.  Or when you have to actually get on the floor for something and you find yourself thinking, “what else can I do while I’m down here?”  It might be that reunion.  Years ago at my 30th high school reunion the organizers made name badges using our high school senior photos.  Standing in front of the mirror allowed you to do a comparative look.  That’s the first time I actually asked myself, “when did I grow this two foot forehead?”  It’s like a billboard.  I should sell advertising space.  To compensate I now find myself raising my eyebrows to create an optical allusion.  I constantly look surprised but I do look younger….or not.  My hair is getting thinner by the second, but I can grow it out my ears like Rogaine on steroids.  My eyebrows have gone bezerk.  It looks like I’ve got two dead ferrets up there.  And I won’t even talk about the disgusting hair on my back (I may have lost some readers with that visual). 

There were a lot of things I thought about being as I got older, but wrinkled wasn’t one of them.  Should I cosmetically try to stop this impending body deterioration?  I think not.  With my obsessive tendencies, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop.  Imagine so many face-lifts my sideburns ended up behind my ears.  It could happen. 

But everything has a silver lining and I’ve got to do that with aging.  Think about it.  In a hostage situation I’m likely to be released right after the babies. I don’t have much value to a kidnapper.  And I have better skills than a meteorologist since my knees can predict weather far more accurately than they can.  I can now honestly tell someone that their secret is safe with me because I’ll shortly forget it anyway.  I get discounts, I can engage in any conversation involving medicine or surgeries, and I now LOVE elevator music.  When you make a chart of the pros and cons, it’s really one sided in favor of aging.  This is true even not counting the old adage “aging is better than the alternative of NOT aging”.

It’s been said that men age gracefully.  I ain’t buying it because I’ve got mirrors.  If I want a good laugh I just stand in front of the mirror in my Spiderman underwear (that may have also been too much information).  But it’s hilarious.  My maker definitely put me together funny. 

And that’s the point.  We’re supposed to age, even a funny speaker.  If nothing else for humor sake.  If we didn’t get funnier looking as we got older, how would we keep our sanity into our 50’s, 60’s, and beyond?  We’re supposed to get saggier, dumpier, balder, rounder, slower, goofier, and….older.  It gives us something to laugh about.  And we all know the power of laughter.  It keeps us younger.  Mentally at least.     

Mark Mayfield, A Funny Speaker with a Serious Message